Unconventional thinking about the Middle East.

Monday, October 05, 2009

The Biden Monologues

Joe Biden once had a plan for Iraq. Many kept a distance from it. It was embarrassing. He didn’t even want it brought up during the campaign, and many pro-Obama journalists obliged. Consequently, I find the recent headlines that say that Biden is “the man with the alternative plan” for Afghanistan strange and worrying. First of all, I’d like to know who is bringing him into those grown-up strategy meetings at the White House? What’s next? Getting him a chemistry set? I worry, I really do.

Here’s what I imagine Biden saying at the meetings:

“We don’t need more troops in Afghanistan. General McCrystal is a fool. There’s nothing in his report about building a Death Star. Gentlemen, Hillary, we need to built a Death Star. That is the only way we shall be able to zap Al-Qaeda with an intergalactic laser. We should also ask Congress to allocate funds in the next fiscal year for a Drone Army. I put myself forward as the prototype for the clones, what with my awesome pectorals and head full of hair, I am the Warrior Knight personified.

“Otherwise, we must ambush the Taliban. Turn the tables on them. We shall wait for them to wade through a stream, and then, when they least expect it, we’ll drop a toaster in the water, with a really long extension cord, from one of our satellites. Zap, zap, bzzzzzztttt. No more Taliban. I am not wedded to this plan; I may contemplate exchanging an AM/FM clock radio for the toaster. Or a hairdryer. I own a hair-dryer that you can have. I have many hairdryers because I have a lot of hair. On my head. Here, look. Don’t touch.

“The CIA must recruit handsome pigeons. Otherwise, we can recruit ordinary looking pigeons and give them expensive plastic surgery treatments, feather-implants and what not. These pigeons will be trained to intercept and seduce the female carrier pigeons that work for Al-Qaeda. Once in the love claws of our feathery boys, they’ll lead them on and then break their little pigeon hearts. Al-Qaeda’s pigeons will be forlorn and crestfallen. That’s when we get all Manchurian Candidate on their tails. We’ll program them to lay Hellfire eggs, right inside the cavernous lairs of the terrorists.

“Afghanistan must be partitioned along elevational lines. High altitude Afghans cannot get along with low altitude Afghans, not with the valley people hogging all the oxygen. I propose three regions for the country: below sea-level to 2000 feet, 2000 feet to 4000 feet, and 4000 feet and above. We’ll build giant fans in the valleys, pointed upwards, to ensure proper circulation of oxygen to the mountaintops. Equitable distribution of oxygen will give the various segments of the multi-elevated Afghan people room to breathe. “But what about transportation for the ‘4000 & Abovers’ demographic?” you say. I have one word for you: circus acrobats. Those high wire performers can carry several 4000 & Abovers on their shoulders as they move from one mountaintop to another. I can anticipate your next thought: yes, we need to fund and train a Circus Corps, alongside our other military formations. Which brings up another point, do our intelligence services have enough highly experienced mimes in their ranks?

“We must reassure the American public. How about a headline: “White House: U.S. Will Not Pull Out of Afghanistan.” Get the Associated Press on the line. We should also add that U.S. troops will remain in Wyoming. And that rabbits will continue to be fluffy. Wait. Is there such a thing as carrier rabbits? Could Al-Qaeda be using rabbits instead of pigeons? Just to be on the safe side, get the CIA to breed extra-fluffy rabbits.

“I know how to fix this Iran pickle. We will give them nuclear weapons. That way they won’t go sneaking behind our backs, enriching uranium, and breaking the law. Once they have them, then they’ll get bored, and quickly get back to lighting kittens on fire. Oooh, those incorrigible little rascals!

“I shall challenge Putin to a bout of wrestling. We’ll get all oiled up, in the Turkish fashion. I shall establish my alpha-maleness. I am sure I will win. I have more hair than Putin. On top. Don’t touch."

It is at this point at the meeting when President Obama looks up and asks, "Muffins. Everyone likes muffins. I certainly do. How about a strategy of 'muffin engagement'? Would Chavez say no to a muffin? With colorful sprinkles?"

After all they'd heard, everyone in the room agrees that the president's plan is brilliant. Following an initial wave of disbelief, Hillary will shake her head, shrug her shoulders, and say, "Fuck it. 'Muffin Engagement' you said? Sure Mr. President, I'll get my Assistant Secretary for Baked Goods on it right away," grumbling under her breath, "It's not my f-ing presidency." Secretary Gates leans in and whispers to her, "Don't forget the sprinkles."

Teleprompter is switched off. Meeting is adjourned.



[Some humor is necessary from time to time. I really hope the Obama administration decides quickly on fighting the good fight in Afghanistan. Defeating Al-Qaeda and the Taliban is not America's sole responsibility, yet it is everyone's gain. Here's to hoping that the European allies don't wuss out. I may not want Obama re-elected in 2012, but I don't want to see America fail or weaken during his presidency. It may be easy to turn Biden into a caricature, but he's a man of experience and (some) smarts. However, I think his 'alternative' plan to disengage militarily from Afghanistan, while keeping Al-Qaeda on guard through airstrikes, is impractical. Obama will eventually have to follow his general's recommendation: 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Doing otherwise, or half-assing it, is not sustainable on any political level. I'm so glad that no such hard decisions need to be taken on Iraq, which is doing fine comparatively.]

76 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Equitable distribution of oxygen will give the various segments of the multi-elevated Afghan people room to breathe."

This should go down in the classics...

1:28 PM, October 06, 2009

 
Anonymous Karrar said...

Reading that post was a waste of time. Your analysis of Iraq is absolutely top notch. Please do not abandon Iraq to pursue a career in comedy, cuz you have a long way to go on that front.

5:34 PM, October 06, 2009

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nibras: HOW DARE YOU WASTE KARRAR'S TIME??!!

I loved it. GIVE US MORE!

6:48 PM, October 06, 2009

 
Blogger Nibras Kazimi نبراس الكاظمي said...

Dear Karrar,

I'm sorry, but I must follow my dreams of becoming a stand-up comedian. This whole politics stuff and overthrowing Saddam business was just a means to pay the rent. My real passion is to be a ventriloquist. I know I don't have the talent to be one of the highest rated clowns out there, but fame and fortune were never my motivators: I am doing it to make people laugh. Do you dear sir, in your torpid and cynical abyss, know the value of that? Well I do. It may be a dark world outside, but I strive to reflect that faintest ray of sunlight breaking through the clouds, to reflect it right into the hearts of sourpusses everywhere. That shall be my calling from now on.

PS: That's a $15 ticket for the show and a one drink minimun. Do you want it on your tab or should I bill the Anti-Irony Society?

Best,

Nibras

7:44 PM, October 06, 2009

 
Blogger pascale said...

This rant is way beneath you.
Don't quit your day job for comedy.

9:03 AM, October 07, 2009

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

pascale, can't you see that he is being ironic? Wow, Nibras, some of your readers are morons.

1:07 PM, October 07, 2009

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HA! I actually enjoyed it, but most likely because I believe that Joe Biden is a complete f***ing idiot. Always have. The single most unsettling thing about having Barack Obama as president, to me, is the fact that Biden is only one heartbeat away from being the president. God help us if that ever happens. Krusty the Klown would have been a better choice as a running mate.

1:50 PM, October 08, 2009

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The morons elected by the majority of US morons sink daily from low to low in bathos. Did you see the White House Office meetings on Afghanistan photo ops with Obama looking confused and Biden furiously taking notes with a dime store pencil?

Let's solve Afghanistan with a "unity government" and power sharing with Taliban. We'll look for Osama on weekends like spelunkers do bat caves.

OK, now let's move on to the mortgage problem.

8:37 PM, October 08, 2009

 
Blogger Kanani said...

Oh ...this was hysterical. The best example of satire I've seen in a long while.

You simply must at least try out for MadTV.

6:21 PM, October 09, 2009

 
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12:56 AM, October 10, 2009

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dear Mr. Kazimi,
You're working a tough room here, but comics have to survive hecklers,and rejection.And, you may need a new career after world wide Obama Peace breaks out.
I expect Obama will come to Texas, and apologize for the Revolution of 1836, and those racist Taco Bell ads with the Tex-Mex chihuahua puppy.
But will he fight this war like he wants to win in
Afghanistan more than he wants to win re-election ? We'll know soon.mit

9:06 PM, October 12, 2009

 
Blogger البرجوازي العراقي said...

Your blog is added to list of
IRAQI BLOG INDEX
http://iraqiblogindex.blogspot.com
iraqiblogindex@gmail.com

3:31 PM, October 13, 2009

 
Anonymous Scott said...

Having followed Biden and his mouth for years, I personally, thought The Biden Monologues were spot on.

11:14 PM, October 17, 2009

 
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11:47 PM, October 17, 2009

 
Blogger Anand said...

Hillarious!

Could the Iraqi Special Operations forces spare sending one combat battalion to Afghanistan to embed with and train the Afghan Commando brigade? The ISOF is one of the best special forces anywhere, and their help would significantly benefit Afghanistan.

5:45 PM, October 22, 2009

 
Anonymous amagi said...

Nibras,

Don't suppose we could get a small update on behind-the-scenes political wrangling over Kirkuk? News has been all broad strokes about not reaching a deal, nothing about what options are being considered and if some are being considered more seriously than others. Can you guess at all what a feasible solution is going to look like?

11:16 AM, October 23, 2009

 
Anonymous gj said...

Nibras ... this is off topic, but can you tell me what the latest situation is regarding the live telecasts of the Iraqi COR? Are all the sessions still telecast in full?

tks

GJ

1:27 PM, October 23, 2009

 
Blogger Sandybelle said...

Hello uncle nibras, how are you? how's everything? i hope well done!

I just like to show my great admiration towards your personality (ok, i got it, a very formal speech style!lol) but really, your blog has its own taste, i wish you more success sir..

I just wanted to say hi :) :)

11:17 AM, October 24, 2009

 
Anonymous Kafir said...

Doing otherwise, or half-assing it, is not sustainable on any political level.

Nibras,

You're making the mistake of assuming that Obama cares about sustainable (see the health care bill).

6:58 PM, October 24, 2009

 
Blogger elf2006real said...

Nibras,

ROFLMAO

Give us more. It's your blog!!

Uh...he's not serious about this Nibras. It's like ...hard...and he don't do hard.

Hell, this is his first job!!

10:42 AM, October 25, 2009

 
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Anonymous amagi said...

Nibras,

We really do need an update, please.

6:58 PM, November 01, 2009

 
Anonymous Ahrar said...

I wasn't able to find an email address for you, so I hope you don't mind me posting in the comments:

You have had some great coverage of the political situation in Iraq, and I wanted to let you know about some news from the weekend. If you have not heard already, Ayad Jamal Aldin launched a new political party on Saturday called Ahrar.

Violence and corruption have become the way of life under the current government. We must create a new way forward, which will provide security, basic services, and a trustworthy government for all Iraqis. The Ahrar Party and it's leader Ayad Jamal Aldin are providing a clear plan that will get us there.

I thought you might be interested in covering the launch of this party on your blog. If you would like information, please get in touch with me and I will be happy to provide it: info [at] ahrarparty.com

You can also find footage of the party launch here: http://ahrarparty.com/en/media/video/4-arabic/74-ahrar-party-launches.html

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11:28 PM, November 08, 2009

 
Anonymous Karrar said...

I am very happy to say that Nibras provides the most insightful English-language analysis of Iraq. I just don't think he is a skilled comedian. And yes, Nibras, I do understand irony... I just don't think that your attempts at irony are very funny. It seems that a few of your worshippers here do, and that's great. I would like to see some more real analysis as the pre-election jockeying gets more and more intense.

As for your dedicated fans, I look forward to being on the receiving end of their attacks quite soon.

Have a good day everyone.

3:53 AM, November 16, 2009

 
Anonymous amagi said...

Nibras,

Really now, it would be very helpful to get some insight into the machinations behind the election law... and some indication of what may happen if elections aren't held on time. The way it is being painted, that would be cataclysmic.

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Blogger bg said...

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OT..

one of many links on Iran via GP

Iran Erupts– Protesters Attack Police Car
& Release Captured Protesters (Video)
..

Coordination Center for National Iranian Armed
Resistance Forces declares its existence.


[We, a number of Officers, Soldiers and personnel of the Armed Forces of the Islamic Republic of Iran, hereby declare our readiness for rise to the armed defense of our nation against the forces of the criminal, illegitimate, transgressing and occupying current Government of Iran, and hereby inform our brothers and sisters serving with the armed security forces of Iran, invite them to join us, request their support and ask them to provide cover for us in this moral & national act. A special request for support & cooperation goes to our brothers of the Military Police.]

a must read & a Thank You GWB!!

and a Second Announcement National
Armed Resistance Forces Command (NIRU)


December 28th, 2009

In the name of God the Almighty,

With salutations to the honest
& brave Iranians, we inform:

1. All Stages, rules & aims of Operation Azadi are limited to those in NIRU Announcement dated 26.12.2009, and need no further explanations or interpretations.

2. The timing for operation to start at your station is up to your local command staff & dependent on conditions & in full consideration of all risks involved.

3. Our referenced announcement (of 26.12.2009) is addressed to Iranian Soldiers of the Armed and security forces only.

4. Remaining loyal Government forces are not in a position to combat any Military Combat Group especially if covered by armored units.

5. We recommend to our brothers of Basij & Security Forces who are willing to surrender and/or join the people to display the victory sign and shout “Azadi” to identify themselves & join them.

6. NIRU is an apolitical, and self motivated command consisting of soldiers from all armed & security forces (of Iran). NIRU is not an independent organization but merely the name of the coordination command of anti Government servicemen among the Iranian Armed & Security Forces. NIRU does not intend to take control or supervise the Government, and will dissolve without naming its members upon completion of the Operation Azadi.

7. Operation Azadi is in full compliance with military & constitutional law in cases of foreign & unlawfully forced Government, and the duty of all current & former soldiers, who are loyal to their oath to protect Nationand homeland.

8. We remind our allied fighters that the responsibility for safety of surrendered & arrested opposing forces as well as collection of all arms & ammunition to avoid distribution among citizens lays with them.

9. Our request from our civilian friends is to distribute & report our announcements.

May you be victorious!

end

Godspeed Iranians!!

==

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